Last night was so weird.  We went to Ockerman to see their play.  In all honesty, no one could really act or sing besides my three babies, Jay, Hannah, and Abby.  Other than that it was shit.  No offense to anyone.  But Jessica and I took pictures all around the school.  It was so awkward, because the school seems so small now.

In like, two hours I'm going over to Rhett's.  Uh, I think we're just going to hang out.  He said he was going to get me to play drums.  Lolzzz.

 Narnia last night was amazing, all except for the soundtrack.  The only reason I'm ranting about it is because in the rest of the movie it was all classical, and them BAM a Regina Spektor song.  I was like, what the fuck.  It made no sense to put it where it was.  The music in the credits didn't fit either.  I mean really, you can't make an amazing movie like Narnia and then ruin the ending with Regina Spektor.  Not that I don't like Regina Spektor, she's one of my top three favorite.  But really, it wasn't necessary.

Anyways, in the movie theater last night I had a thought.  We stood in there to see the end of the credits.  I faced my back to the screen and stared at the empty seats.  I realized that I would never have a theater like that filled up with people to see a movie that I'd be in.  It's always been my dream, you know, to be a huge star.  To be on screen or on Broadway, but now I've finally realized that the chances of it happening are so slim.  


Eh, whatever.

 I don't want to get rid of the truth box, yet I know I should.  It depresses me when everyone just says that he's in love with Lea.  I know it, but seriously, it means that other people can tell as well.  You can call me fat, ugly, piggish, whatever, but I hate hearing that I'll never be good enough and blah blah blah.  

Oh, but yesterday I laughed for like twenty minutes when someone put "you have no right to start drama, there's a war going on and it's people like you that started it."  I was like, oh shit!  I own an oil company and I'm really rich and muslim!  

Seriously, I about pissed my pants laughing so hard.

 Today was so great, and funny.  Except the fact that Rhett was sick and wouldn't kiss me or whatever.  That wasn't so nice.  Awh, I really want a kiss now!

In sixth period I listened to this voicemail from Patrick to Ashley.  Patrick was drunk and he kept saying fuck and also kept saying, "you're my fucking friend, friends answer their fucking phones!"  And there was more too, but I just kept laughing and laughing.

I haven't been drunk in a while, which is very good.

 Wow what a day!  And the funny thing is, it's not even over yet!

Evan messaged me and admitted that he still likes me.  Whoa buddy that was shocker.  And I was just like, "Did you ever even have feelings for me?"  Haha, that hurt him.  It doesn't matter, I hope he understands that.  I've moved on.  We're still talking though which I guess is good.  I don't like him anymore, but I don't want to stop talking to him.

In all honesty, I miss having him as that one guy friend that you can tell anything to, and can hug anytime and whatnot.  That was him, and I hope that can become him again.

 Lea lea lea lea lea lea lea lea lea that's all I ever fucking hear from Rhett.  Lea this, lea that, lea lea lea.  I'm fucking pissed off at him right now and he should know it.  NO RHETT, WE DON'T ALL LOVE LEA LIKE YOU DO.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
And this has nothing to do with the fact I didn't take my mood stabilizers today.

 So I think I'm done crying, for now anyways.  I mean, I had always been in disbelief that I was dating him, and I always knew he could do so much better than me.  But it never actually hit me until other people started to say it, you know?  I was sitting up in my room just thinking about it and how I'm so not right for him.

Think about it.  I'm chubby and don't you fucking dare say I'm not.  I'm ugly, I'm not tall and skinny.  Why does he like me then?  All of what everyone is saying is going to get back to him, and he won't deny it.  I know, trust me.  It happens all the time.

But if it happens so much, why am I not used to it yet?

 I think I'm about to cry.  That truth box on my page is just terrible.  And I mean, I guess it's great because I'd like to know.  But someone left me this:

"your so fuckin fat and ugly i hate you so much and that one skinny girl i always see you with you suck at life so you should just give up while your ahead"

Oh, and this:

"i didnt know who you were until last night. people told me rhett was dating an ugly girl and he could do a hundred percent better. ....its true.."

The second one made me cry just a little.  Not a lot, but just a few tears. 

Party tonight, and I'm not going to lie, it's going to be awkward as fuck.  I mean, he invited people who don't even talk to each other.  Oh, and he finally caved in and invited someone he swore up and down he wasn't going to.  I don't have a problem with her, since we made up and everything, but the fact that he is only inviting her for another girl just sort of bugs me.  Especially since all of us know that if we left him alone with this girl, he would gladly stick his tongue down her rotting esophagus.

But other than that, I'm pretty happy.  I'm about to shower and start getting ready.  I'm wearing my yellow shirt and sort of baggy skinny legs.  Maybe I'll put on the scarf, maybe.  I doubt it though because it doesn't really match with much.  If you see me with it on, just laugh, it's okay.

Rhett's party is tomorrow.  I've officially decided against swimming.  He's not going to, Megan's not going to, Jessie Turner said she probably won't.  So uhm, I won't either.  Oh and Alyssa Conley hates me for no other reason than the fact that I'm dating him.  Because you know, that's such a great reason.

I'm going to the movies tonight, I think, with the girls.  Hahaha I hope Iron Man turns out to be good.

 I'm giving up.  It seems that that's really all I can do.

I'm fat, not athletic.  I mean, I'm not inept at sports, but I haven't really found one that I really fit into.  I can't sing at all, so I don't even know if I want to do drama next year.  It's completely pointless.  Lindsey doesn't like me, and won't give me a good part.  I'm not talented.  All I can do is speech and drama.  And really, what good is that?

I'm just fed up completely.  I did something last night that I never thought I would do ever again.  But I'm so desperate it's insane.  I think I need help, and none of my friends will listen.

I need out  of Kentucky, and quick. I hate it here.  

Maggie and I are okay now, which is really good.  She says she's going to take me out soon so that I can get something to wear to Rhett's party.  It's this weekend, I'm excited.  But I'm going to be fat!  Yay for fatasses!

Seriously though, fuck KENSUCKY.

 I need to lose serious weight.  I want to be 90 like I was during the summer.  I gained the freshman 25, seriously.

I also need to find some way to make up an excuse of why I'm not swimming at Rhett's party.  Really it's because I don't want anyone to see me in my swimsuit, and my swimsuit is also extremely ugly.  It wasn't when I bought it, but I bought it in a very desperate time.  So...

Ah! My friend also reccommended me to apply for this job at the Florence Aquatic Center.  I think I might; I need a summer job desperately since I'm not going to my mom's.  


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THE CONCERT WAS FUCKING AMAZING!

It started out with Drive By, who weren't too bad but no one really got into it.  Then Billy Talent came on and everyone started moshing.  I love Billy Talent, I was happy to mosh for them.  But I got caught in it.  Someone pushed really hard once and everyone fell over, about three people fell on my legs.  My arms were pinned to all I could do was bite the last person who was on me, so I did.  He got off very quickly.  We were getting closer to the front for Katy, we were trying to get up to the gates, but I couldn't breathe any longer.  The only way I could get out was to crowd surf, and that's exactly what I did.

I crowd surfed, Katy crowd surfed, and Jazzy and Travis just pushed out.  MCR had yet to come out, but now we weren't in the screaming crowd.  We looked around and saw this little ledge we could try to fit on, but Jazzy and Travis couldn't get up so it was just me and Katy.  This drunk and stoned girl [she really was both, I watched her smoke a joint] let us up into the private seating area.

AND MCR PUT ON THE BEST FUCKING SHOW EVER!  I guess it's safe to say I love them now as much as I did in seventh grade.  :]

I've come to realize that nothing can compare to that of staying up, watching Sweeney Todd, and eating chocolately cereal with friends and the anticipation of waiting for a concert the next day.

I also talk a lot of shit, and crave Chinese food at 5 am after I've been sleep deprived.

Carnival yesterday, wasn't very fun.  Rhett couldn't stay because he was grounded or something.  But he stayed after school with us and we hung out on the bench, made out, whatever.  After he left we had to get ready for the Coffee House for speech and drama which I performed in.  I love performing for a lot of people, I was born to do it.

Then we went to the carnival and rode a ton of rides.  I seriously thought I was going to throw up because I went on all of the spinny ones.

Oh, and I'm a dumbfuck and locked my cell phone inside of the auditorium bathroom in Ryle.  I won't get it back unless I can find it on Tuesday morning.

Concert tomorrow, Billy Talent is opening for My Chemical Romance.  I can't wait to mosh.  I'll probably end up moshing though.  Not because I'll choose to, but rather because I'll be thrown in.